In my past each time I decided to not confront a situation usually it was out of fear. Big-D has an acronym for FEAR. My G-Rated version of his saying is; Forget Everything And Run. I used to avoid confrontation the way most people avoid STD’s, taking all precautions necessary. Though, if not for my fear of uncomfortable situations my life with my love may never have existed.
I will always remember the night he asked me. High in the sky the moon hung bright. We were BBQ-ing, a passion we share to this day. Wrapping his arms around my waist he pulled me in tight. Drawn to one another we basked in the glow of new love. He starred down at me intensely as if his eyes were talking to my soul. I lost my heart in his deep gaze. “I want you to stay. Stay here with me? Be the girl I come home to at the end of the day.” Behind on rent and scared of my landlord the sudden opportunity to move in with him became my best option.
So instead of putting my, “Big Girl,” pants on and dealing with my rent issue I said, “Yes!”
” Amazing!” I though to myself. “He doesn’t even know I’m having problems making rent. Maybe this is real. We are in love. This is what you do when you’re in love. Right?” Well it is, sometimes. In the moment I chose the path of avoiding my fears. Now, I can see this was not the responsible solution. But, my fear of confrontation made my love haze too strong. I moved in. Immediately life was super fantastic, for about three days.
Drowning fast into the depths of addiction my love now owned a new life raft, me. Years would pass before my devotion for Big-D ever wavered. However, quickly I changed. Out of necessity I took a stand for myself. While in active addiction the addict in my life taught me the art of confrontation. No longer would I avoid out of fear. I had a new fear and I loved him.